Sometimes the Problem we have with Others is a Problem with Ourselves

It is surprising that often the problem we think we have with someone else is an issue we must resolve within ourselves. I experienced this when I was at a retreat with the Center of Understanding in Conflict (CUC) focusing on self-reflection for conflict professionals. During the retreat we practiced “The Inner V”: a self-reflective technique developed by the CUC to use the connection between the body and mind to understand ourselves in a way that allows us to understand and connect with others.

As participants, each of us thought about a conflict in our life and used this technique to help us understand why this conflict was an issue for us. I chose a situation with a long-term friend in which this friend has not responded to my texts.

First, I thought about the conflict while I focused on my breath and body to see how the stress of the situation was affecting me physically. This led me to the next step where I focused on what emotions I was feeling. In doing this I realized that the weight on my shoulders and the tension in my stomach were indicators that I was upset. When I tried to put a name to the feeling, I understood that I was feeling angry, forgotten, and abandoned.

Once I realized what I was feeling, I looked to when in my past I had felt this way. I remembered how upset I had been when my older sister first moved away from home. My sister was 19 years old and I was eleven. I idolized my sister and was heartbroken with her leaving. Without understanding why she was leaving, I felt forgotten and abandoned. I was angry at her for leaving, only thinking of myself and how I would miss her.

I now understand that my sister was moving to her first apartment and was looking to spread her adult wings. Her decision to leave had nothing to do with me.

Thinking then to my friend, I realized that I was not upset about unanswered texts. Those feelings of abandonment from my youth had returned. And like my sister, my friend may be dealing with matters in their own life that do not involve me.

When I shared this with the group attending the retreat, I learned that others in the group had experienced a friend or family member that did not respond to their communications. This further normalized my experience and supported my realization that the issue I needed to resolve was with myself.

I left the retreat thinking of how all of us are living with our past experiences, as well as the underlying feelings, often negative, that accompany them. Understanding this and being open to how others may be struggling with challenges from the present and the past allows me to be more open to others and respond to others with compassion.